Xossip

Go Back Xossip > BackOffice> Parking Lot> Completed Contests > ★☆★ Ultimate Story Contest 2017 - Reviews & Comments Thread ★☆★

  Free Video Chat with Indian Girls
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
  #31  
Old 8th October 2017
MumBaekar's Avatar
MumBaekar MumBaekar is offline
Heart Wrenching XP !!
  Contest Organizer: Active organizing member of an ongoing contest    Silver Coins: Contributed $25-$100 for XP server fund    Councillor: Council Member      
Join Date: 27th January 2016
Posts: 16,244
MumBaekar has disabled reputations
Review
Yeh Waada Raha

Quote:
Pori : uff kaun aa gaya itni raat gaye yaha?

Ashu : pata nhi main dekhta hoo (pori ne kasske mera haath pakda jaise wohh inkaar kar rahi ho)
iss paragraph ke pehle story ka flow sahi tha, narrator tha khud story ka hero, but yeh paragraph se aapne style hi change kar diya, like agar Ashu keh raha hai toh fir uska naam mention karne ki zarurat nahin thi, kyun ki woh samajh aa raha tha, but yahan se style change ho gaya

Quote:
Ashu janta tha ki ooski chori pakdi gayi hai..”main abhi nahi aa sakta”……”kya kaha tumne? Nahi aa sakte tum jante bhi ho kit um kya keh rahe ho?”…….”haan”……”dekho tum abhi isi waqt ghar aa jao bhalai chahte ho toh”…….”accha toh jo jee mein aaye kar baitho”…..”dekho ashu mere savr ka imtihan mat lo mere kiye koi bhi vaade aaj tak jhute nhai huye hai agar tum nahi aaye 9 baje tak toh main jaan de dungi”…….”who d bloody cares?”……..oosi waqt phone cut karke maine switch off kar diya…salma gusse se phone ko kayi baar kaano mein lagaye call pe call ashu ko karti rahi par switch off hi aata raha..oosne phone uthaaya aur sidhe apni aur ashu ke tasveer pe faikh di…phone tasveer se takrake chaknachur ho gaya aur tasveer farsh pe girke tut gayi….salma wohi girke rone lagi..ooska ye dukh aajse nahi kayi barso se tha..
this paragraph, I feel, personally , from your point it's written to maintain a flow, but my point of view isme thode zyada emotions hote aur woh continuos ke badle alag alag lines mein hote toh bahut badhiya lagta

Good things :-

Your effort to write a horror in this contest, your selection of words and perfectly written, nice care taken to make sure spell checks are taken care of, a very strong grip on language, hats off buddy


Bad things :-

ummm, may be story was too old, like wife and her revenge.

Overall :- I loved it because of two things, your strong command on language and your brave effort to think of a horror story

All the best for contest buddy
______________________________

Last edited by MumBaekar : 8th October 2017 at 01:35 AM.

Have you seen the announcement yet?
  #32  
Old 8th October 2017
MumBaekar's Avatar
MumBaekar MumBaekar is offline
Heart Wrenching XP !!
  Contest Organizer: Active organizing member of an ongoing contest    Silver Coins: Contributed $25-$100 for XP server fund    Councillor: Council Member      
Join Date: 27th January 2016
Posts: 16,244
MumBaekar has disabled reputations
Hifaazat :-

Jaisa naam bilkul waisi story

good things :-

again, a strong language and a very nice choice of words, right from first line til end line, it was in proper flow, nowhere I felt that a grip or a plot is being lost

bad thing :-

emotions thode kam the, from the side of Asif

I feel, aap koi bhi story likho na, toh har para ke aagey character ke naam mat likho, it's very typical, aapka talent is at different level, for eg :-

"tumhari rihaai ke paise main chahti hoo ki tum jald se jald is sheher ko chodhkar balki main toh kehti hoo is desh ko chorke kahi dur chale jao" Ahana ne Asif se kaha, yeh kehte Waqt uske dil.mein ek tees si uthi, pyar jo karti thi

Rather than :-

Ahana :-tumhari rihaai ke paise main chahti hoo ki tum jald se jald is sheher ko chodhkar balki main toh kehti hoo is desh ko chorke kahi dur chale jao

U see the difference ? This has a lot of impact on readers, aap try karke dekhna aise

I wish you all the best for your both entries and keep writing

Love
______________________________

Have you seen the announcement yet?
  #33  
Old 8th October 2017
MumBaekar's Avatar
MumBaekar MumBaekar is offline
Heart Wrenching XP !!
  Contest Organizer: Active organizing member of an ongoing contest    Silver Coins: Contributed $25-$100 for XP server fund    Councillor: Council Member      
Join Date: 27th January 2016
Posts: 16,244
MumBaekar has disabled reputations
Review :- The Diary Of An Innocent Girl



Yeh dekho,
Quote:
"Lagbhag 30 sal ki umr, itne sare logon se mili, kya wakai tumhe kabhi love nahi hua"?
Love kyun, pyar kyun nai likha language ka flow ek hi rakho na

Quote:
Lol, andhere me main uska expression miss kar gayi, lekin aap ke shonking expression dekh kar ab santust hun. Wo mere liye ek yadgar lamha tha, pahle 5 fir 8....
Shocking , spell check kyun nai kara

chalo yeh negative thi points

Positive :-

A very nice read, superb one, this was something different, totally new and fresh one, innocent girl ? , the girl was a bold one, ladki ko jaisa bataya shuru mein , end bhi Waisi hi thi and that is a big plus point, no change in attitude and style and maintaining it through out, this is a superb thing and I loved it, I did not feel bored at all, right from the word go this was nice.

What a lovely nice story, lovely description lovely choice of words (Spelling mistakes maaf kari chalo) and a nice fresh thought , Bravo !!

All the best Nainu for contest
______________________________

Have you seen the announcement yet?
  #34  
Old 8th October 2017
MumBaekar's Avatar
MumBaekar MumBaekar is offline
Heart Wrenching XP !!
  Contest Organizer: Active organizing member of an ongoing contest    Silver Coins: Contributed $25-$100 for XP server fund    Councillor: Council Member      
Join Date: 27th January 2016
Posts: 16,244
MumBaekar has disabled reputations
Deepawali :- By Vijay

Y so sad man

anyway, it was a good read, spelling and language were just perfect, perfect display of emotions and style was also nice,

Nothing about story, too sad it was

All the best for contest
______________________________

Have you seen the announcement yet?
  #35  
Old 8th October 2017
R G's Avatar
R G R G is offline
Custom title
 
Join Date: 29th March 2016
Posts: 8,073
Rep Power: 18 Points: 7867
R G has celebrities hunting for his/her autographR G has celebrities hunting for his/her autographR G has celebrities hunting for his/her autographR G has celebrities hunting for his/her autographR G has celebrities hunting for his/her autographR G has celebrities hunting for his/her autographR G has celebrities hunting for his/her autographR G has celebrities hunting for his/her autographR G has celebrities hunting for his/her autographR G has celebrities hunting for his/her autographR G has celebrities hunting for his/her autographR G has celebrities hunting for his/her autograph
The Diary Of An Innocent Girl

By - nain11ster

kuch hat ke or kuch naya sa tha is main....
acha ye to bata do ki ye story kiski diary se uthai hai....
jo is ke title main diary ka istmal huaa hai....
shuru se end tak padha title ke alawa diary kahi likha huaa na dikha....
becha reader kya kya man ke chale ki title main diary likha hai to ye story kise ki diary se padha rahai ho...
bawajah ka atayachar na karo masoomo par nainu
kya naya tha vo to bata diya story main maine upar likhi lino main....
main bhi soch main bhi tumhari taraha kya naya likha hai ye batai bigar nikal jaau par thoda sa tum par raham kar diya
mast story hai nainu....
baki story ki or tarifa karana apun ko nhi aata apun ek chota sa reader hu bas bakwas kar sakta hu vahe review main likha diya
best of luck nainu....

Last edited by R G : 8th October 2017 at 03:22 AM.

Have you seen the announcement yet?
  #36  
Old 8th October 2017
janu2016's Avatar
janu2016 janu2016 is offline
Reader
 
Join Date: 9th March 2017
Location: NHB
Posts: 5,152
Rep Power: 11 Points: 7151
janu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autographjanu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autographjanu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autographjanu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autographjanu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autographjanu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autographjanu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autographjanu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autograph
Review-Yeh Waada Raha by aasif

aasif bhai is contest ki suruwat behter rahi aur sabse khas baat, mere favorate writers mein se ek ne ki.
short stories ke to aap bahot he manjhe hue khilladi ho

horror zone bhi aapka fav. raha hai. ek badiya kosish ki h aapne is kahani mein. ab aate h kahani per,


+ points :-

sabse khas baat ki ek horror zone per wo bhi purane timeline per story likhi aapne.
kehte h ki reader ko agar wording samjh na aaye to kahani ka maza kharab ho jata h. but iska bhi pura dhayan rakha.
do timeline ek sathh chalane ka effort.

- Points :-

bhai bich-2 mein kahani ka flow tutta hua nazar aaya. sirf ek yehi kami lagi mujhe

Good luck bhai jaan! meri taraf se aapko hardik subhkamnaye contest ke liye!

Have you seen the announcement yet?
  #37  
Old 8th October 2017
janu2016's Avatar
janu2016 janu2016 is offline
Reader
 
Join Date: 9th March 2017
Location: NHB
Posts: 5,152
Rep Power: 11 Points: 7151
janu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autographjanu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autographjanu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autographjanu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autographjanu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autographjanu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autographjanu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autographjanu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autograph
Review-The Diary Of An Innocent Girl

nainu ki story
wah bhai saandaar kahani
ek kahani mein emotions kaise aur kab dalne h yeh aapse behter is samay to sayad he koi janta ho
ek aur saandaar kahani.
waise to love based theme aapki favorite h, per usmein thriller ka takda.
bhai yeh to mere liye sone pe suhaga wali baat ho gayi. bemisaal kahani.


+ points :-

kahani ka plot bilkul naya tha.

sabse khas baat flow bilkul nahi tuta. agar ek baar padhne chalu ki to bas khatam hone per he ruk paya.

waise to title se he pata chal gaya tha ki ek ladki ko abki baar aapne lead roll diya h, per ladki aisi hogi. (goo with bad) socha nahi tha..
ek dam modern ke saath thodi bahot bhi innocent nahi thi.


- Points :-

bhai speel mistakes thi jo flow ko baar-2 todne ki kosish kar rahi thi per kamyaab nahi ho payi..
dusri baat kuch lino mein to aapne hinglish aur english dono cover kar diye.



Good luck bhai! meri taraf se aapko hardik subhkamnaye contest ke liye!

Have you seen the announcement yet?
  #38  
Old 8th October 2017
janu2016's Avatar
janu2016 janu2016 is offline
Reader
 
Join Date: 9th March 2017
Location: NHB
Posts: 5,152
Rep Power: 11 Points: 7151
janu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autographjanu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autographjanu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autographjanu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autographjanu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autographjanu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autographjanu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autographjanu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autograph
Review-दीपावली....by vijay

kahani ki saandaar suruwat!
bhai bahot he badiya story likhi h aapne
full of emotions.

+ points :-

kahani ka plot bilkul naya tha.
full of emotions aur ek baat ki chote-2 scene making


- Points :-

kahani mein kahin bhi koi galti nahi lagi siway theme maching ke. aapke title aut kahani mein kahin bhi koi bhi baat match nahi karti.
itni sad ending maine to pehli baar pdhi bhai.


Anyways. Good luck bhai! meri taraf se aapko hardik subhkamnaye contest ke liye!

Have you seen the announcement yet?
  #39  
Old 8th October 2017
janu2016's Avatar
janu2016 janu2016 is offline
Reader
 
Join Date: 9th March 2017
Location: NHB
Posts: 5,152
Rep Power: 11 Points: 7151
janu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autographjanu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autographjanu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autographjanu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autographjanu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autographjanu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autographjanu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autographjanu2016 has celebrities hunting for his/her autograph
Review-.............BHAIYA............by dk

baiya kosish thi bhai. ek aur mast story. :siperb:

ek aur achi kahani aapki taraf se. good start with nice end. but bhai kuch jagah aap naam aur badnaam dono karne mein kamyaab nahi ho paye.

plot bahot purana tha but aaj bhi aisi pristhitiyan h yahan ki.

bhai ko jinda to chod diya per aise
isse badiya to uska character he khatam kar dete. chahe hospital mein he sahoi.


Anyways. Good luck bhai! meri taraf se aapko hardik subhkamnaye contest ke liye!

Have you seen the announcement yet?
  #40  
Old 8th October 2017
nain11ster's Avatar
nain11ster nain11ster is offline
Gmnm Prdę
Visit my website
  Storyteller: XP's Ultimate Erotic Story Contest      
Join Date: 8th December 2014
Location: In Your Nain
Posts: 63,124
nain11ster has disabled reputations
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cute Gunjan View Post
Review on The Diary of an innocent Girl

Beginning of the Story was gud.well narrated ,Description of incidents very well, short, completed n cut to cut .....No extra spicy n drama

Initially , when i start reading it's like gud further reading would give a view like too much X factors written But Aftr readin' the end of the story ....Felt that's necessary one !!

selection of plot is gud, as always flattery dialogues :* few dialogues were impressive one, all dialogue, independent, free fly of Green..... after read it, feeling refresh.

Overall Very Gud story .....Gud Luck... all the best.
Feeling refresh to kya nahana ki jaroorat nahi pari thi uss din..... Aaila likhte waqt to mujhe aisa feel na hua khair .....

Inna badhiya review, inna badhiya review, sukriya ji. Dil khush ho gaya. Waise itna chhota review dena wo bhi ye likhne ke baad ki sabhi dialogue achha aur kuch dialogue to aise tha jo dil me chhap gaya. Ab un dialogue ko quote to karna chahiye tha .... Thoda sa main nainsafi type feel kar raha hun ...

a lot gunjan and best of luck for u too .... Wo kya hai na iss baar readers ke review ka bhi judging hoga

Have you seen the announcement yet?
  Free Video Chat with Indian Girls


Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT +5.5. The time now is 09:45 PM.
Page generated in 0.05513 seconds