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  #41  
Old 8th October 2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by superaashif View Post
Review - The diary of an innocent girl By Nainster

Ek zabardast kahani naina babu ki taraf se...waaqayi naina ne jo shabd is kahani mein daale hai oose byaan karna muskil hai...itne safaai se aisa lag raha tha jaise hollywood ki translted koi hindi novel parh raha hoo...ek sadistic horny girl ; jiske andar sex tut kut ke bhara hua hai...par sabkuch marji se just like my life my choice ;

dheere dheere story thrill huyi investigation officer mukund ooska byaanat le raha hai...oose nangi kar rakha hai oose koi humiliation nahi koi darr nahi she became a victim of a conspiracy which later revealed she is the architect of that conspiracy which she built up so brilliantly wow

fhir kahani mein bina saboot ke oose riha kar diya jata hai..ooski life sexperience ko janne ke baad aisa laga jaise oose career chahiye tha aur oosne ise apna pesha nahi balki ek passion bana liya

green ka character bahut hi zabardast sadistic hai jo apni marzi ke liye kucch bhi kar sakti hai....lekin ksii ki zabardasti ooske marzi ke khilaaf kattayi nahi chah sakti

ending superb hai ki mukund chutiya ban gaya aur wohh chahke bhi aisi ladki se jeet na paaya...oosne bata bhi diya ki wohi qatil hai lekin hath dhare ke dhare reh gaye ooske

naina u just written a mind blowing story and it's damn gud luck
Aap ke comment padhne ke baad aisa lag raha hai jaise chasni me main tair raha hun. Aasif bhai yadi mujhe diabties hua to aap ka 80% role rahega uss me.

Waise malik ek baat batao ye green ko Mukund ne kab nanga kar ke investigate kiya ... Bechari wo to ye kah rahi thi ki ab kuch nahi nichodne sakte uske zindgi ke kitab se, aur aap ne kahan kya imagine kar diya ....

You said absolutely ryt ... Geet ne kabhi bhi apna amusement ko apna profession se nahi joda, haan lekin uss ke karan bana kamo ko wo bhunane se pichhe nahi hati....

Well a lot ...... Aur haan pm mila tha aap ka ... Sukriya aap ke concern ka, sayad aap ne pm band kar rakha hai, isliye socha yahin kah dun.

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  #42  
Old 8th October 2017
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Originally Posted by Assassin1997 View Post
Review - The diary of an innocent girl
Ab tak apki kayi saari stories padhi par kisi me bhi samaanta (reputation) nahi tha . har story ka apna alag he andaj tha , har baar alag scene, alag plot . Yaar kaha se laate ho itne khatarnak ideas.
jab story ka title padha tab laga ke koi maasum ladki he jiski koi aapbiti he par jab puri story read ki tab socha ki ladki maasum he to he , jiske khud ke rules he , jise duniya ki koi parva nahi , jise kisi ke touch karne pe aitraaz nahi he par bina uski permission ke touch karne se aitraaz he, jo maza liya maza diya isi policy pe chalti he. kisi se kuch bhi expect nhi karti.
jo janti he ke saamne vali hawsi ko uske plans me nahi usme interest he . jise khud ko uski bina marzi ke kisi ke sath sona pasand nhi.
Koi taqat ka ya pese ka jorr uspe dikhaye ye bhi use pasand nhi he. aur koi usse jabardasti kare ye wo bardasht nahi kar sakti .

Jab apki story post hui usi ke kuch minutes baad mene read ki thi socha tha ke story read karke sidha review dunga par jab puri story read ki tab kuch bhi likhate nahi bana . sara din yahi sochne me gaya ke wo sahi he ya galat.
Last me ek he decision pe pohocha ke use sahi galat theherane wala me kaun hu? Na judge ? na police? na CBI ? fir use sahi ya galat kehne ka adhikaar muze kisne diya?

Fir ek purana dialogue yaad aya ke kisi ko sahi galat theherane se pehle uski jagah khud ko rakh ke dekho . uski condition ka andaja lagao.
Bas jab mene socha ke me ek ladka hu .apni choice se jeeta hu ,meri personal life me koi dakhal de ye muze khattai pasand nahi . me apni marzi se jise chahe apna partner choose karta hu . koi muze bina meri marzi ke playbooki tarah ismaal nahi kar sakta.
To yahi sab baate mene uske baare me bhi sochi ke ha jese me khud apne liye independent hu vesi vo bhi he.
last me itna kahunga ke Nain sir ne bahot acche se ek free minded ladki feelings ko dikhaya he.
Assassin creed wale bhaiya .... Dekho iss baar pura nam aur pura sahi sahi likha hai. Khair aate hain point par ....

Assassin bro a lot meri sari kahaniyon ko sarahne ke liye. Plot ka chunaw kar pana thoda muskil kaam hota hai, aap ko har angel par sochna parta hai aur uss se bhi khada challenging hota hai usse kisi movie ki kahani ya scene se alag rakhna.

Globalization ke daur me desi aur videshi filmon ko jor den to koi topic he nahi bachta, fir bhi ye to aap sab ke comment ka natija hai jo uss level tak mujhe sochne par majboor karti hai.

Waise kahani ke liye main apne ek 2 doston ki nind bhi kharab karta hun. And I always be thankful unke suggestion hamesha helpful hote hain. Yun samjhiye ki plot main ready karta hun aur usse antim roop dena unka kaam hota hai.

Achha laga padh kar ki aap ne kahani ko khud ke najariye se socha aur parkha. a lot aur ummid hai ki aap mere kahaniyon ke sath bane rahenge.

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  #43  
Old 8th October 2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Yuvrajkumbhare View Post
The Diary Of a Innocent Girl by Nain11ster


starting bahut achi hai...ek ladki apne arman...apna aZadi ke liye kya kuch nahi kiya hai....

aaj ki ladki ke liye...ye ek story morality hai....

bale hi us story me prostitute dikay hai...

lekin har ladki yehi kare ye to nahi dikaya hai....

har ladki ke andher kuch na kuch adhure araman rahte hai....

duniya ke log chand pe pahunch gaye hai lekin gaon ke ladki aaj bi apne azadi ke liye lad rahi hai....


bas un morali support chahiye hai....

green ke charchter is fabulous .....

apne marji ke bina kuch bi nahi karti.....

lekin kya khoon karna ....right dicison...no it completely worng....

saza to dena tha lekin murder is not right .....


bas last me murder scene toda atapat lagi hai.. ..

sab badiya hai......

aapki writing style ki kitni bi tarif karu utan kaam hai....

8/10.....

best of luck.....
Haan sahi kaha yuvi bechari ko apni azadi ke liye kya kuch nahi karna para. Mehnat kar ke Bhu entrance pass karna para .... Kyonki ghar se nikalne ke baad to usse azadi ka pura licence mil chuka tha.

Yuvi sidhi kahani ko dard bhara bana diya ... "azadi ke liye kya kuch nahi karna para" .... Joke a part yuvi, tumhare cnt padh kar I am feeling

Aise lajij comment aate rahe to khana khane me bhi maza na aayega mitra ... Ab aate hain aap ke concern par .... Maine readers ke upar chhoda hai, green ne jo kiya usse padh kar aap kya feel karte ho.

a lot yuvi story ko sarahne ke liye ...

Waise ek baat batao green se mil kab liye jo likha hai log chand par pahunch gaye aur gawn ki ladki ab bhi apni azadi ke liye lad rahii. Sala main story likha par mujhe kabhi na mili barman aur tum ne chakkar chala ka address tak jan gaya.

Koi na enjoy you both .... And tan kilo wala sukriya ....

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  #44  
Old 8th October 2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Royal Lover View Post
The Diary Of a Innocent Girl by Nain11ster


speechless Mere in teen word ne story ki kabiliyat define kar di ...Nain ..you r a best writer on this forum..ye kahne ki jarurat nhi hai ....
aur nam ke hisab se hi story likhi hai ...

Pta hai nain maine kya socha tha ...ki jab aapki story aayegi na ...to usme ek ek kami ko chun chun kar nikalunga ...par jab maine story pdi ...uske bad mai kuch der yun hi baitha rha ....mai bas yahi soch rha tha ki iske bare me kya rewiew dun .........jaise jaise story bad rhi thi ...vaise vaise mera interest bhi bad rha tha ...par jnha se aapne ye murder mystery solve vala kissa dala na to aisa lga jaise kisi ne AC coach se utarkar General Dibbe me baitha diya ho ....uske baad maine story skip kar di ..puri skip nhi ki ,par ek sarsari nazar se pdi Phir vo interst nhi rha jo aapne suru me bnaya tha ...ek aisi ladki ki kahani jo free minded hai ..azad khyalo vali hai ...koi use touch kare to use koi problem nhi hoti par usme uski marji honi chahiye .....Par use bura tab lagta hai jab koi uske sath jabardasti kare ... ...aur agar use bura lagta hai to jan se mar bhi deti hai ..mujhe bas itna hi samajh me aaya story me..aur jo bat samajh nhi aayi ...aur ab agar jyada deep me jaunga to apke fans galiyan sunayege

Ho sakta hai kai logo ko mera rewiew kharab lage ...par maine jo feel kiya vo likha hai ....ynha apka plot bhi unique hai ...simple narration ..jo kahani ko aur bhi damdar bnata hai ...par maine apki story se jitni umeed ki thi usse kam mila ...

NOTE:- Nainu uncile bura mat manna ..maine apke writting style ya narration ki buaryi nhi ki ...aapki mehnat story me puri dikh rhi hai ...ye mera personal opinion hai ki mujhe crime vala part bilkul bhi pasand nhi aaya
Story Rated :- 7/10
Main kahe bura manuga tum tharki hai mujhe shuru se pata hai. Jab tak green ke hot scene chal rahe the sine ke bal par hath fer-fer kar yahi soch raha hoga .... "Aahhh ... Ye kab takrayegi mujh se aur jaise he story ka mood change hua to bhai ka dimag kharab ho gaya.

Joke a part Rl .... Sab se pahle tahe dil se sukriya itna badhiya revoo dene ke liye. Mere kahani par kahani ko le kar aap apni puri ray de sakte hain never mind ki.Main kya sochne wala. Iss se mujhe reader teast pata chalta hai.

Khair ye kahani ki padesani nahi thi taste ki padesani thi. Aap character ke flow me dub chuke the aur achanak story ke change mood ke karan aap ka mood kharab ho gaya. Par main isme helpless hun rl ... Pura single mood me kahani dalna bhi to uchit nahi fir wo kahani kam aur nibandh khada lagegi.

Aur haan sochte rahi negative ka ... Ki kitna negative likha ja sakta hai story ke liye kyonki mere dost uske baad ke reply ke liye bhi taiyar rahi ... And I have genuine reader .... So dont worry ki kisi bhi negative par kisi readers ki pratikriya aayegi.

Meri jo story ka review mere wo readers denge jo mere thread ar regular aate hain waise he review others bhi denge jo pahli bar padhenge ..... isliye wo log kisi readerske cnt ko le kar kuch nahi kahte kyonki wo bhi ek reader hai.

Wall sukriya dil se aur main kahta hun jitna deep ka.sakte ho jao... Kyonki main kahani uss se bhi khada deep se likhte hun

Last edited by nain11ster : 8th October 2017 at 11:39 AM.

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  #45  
Old 8th October 2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MumBaekar View Post
Review
Yeh Waada Raha



iss paragraph ke pehle story ka flow sahi tha, narrator tha khud story ka hero, but yeh paragraph se aapne style hi change kar diya, like agar Ashu keh raha hai toh fir uska naam mention karne ki zarurat nahin thi, kyun ki woh samajh aa raha tha, but yahan se style change ho gaya



this paragraph, I feel, personally , from your point it's written to maintain a flow, but my point of view isme thode zyada emotions hote aur woh continuos ke badle alag alag lines mein hote toh bahut badhiya lagta

Good things :-

Your effort to write a horror in this contest, your selection of words and perfectly written, nice care taken to make sure spell checks are taken care of, a very strong grip on language, hats off buddy


Bad things :-

ummm, may be story was too old, like wife and her revenge.

Overall :- I loved it because of two things, your strong command on language and your brave effort to think of a horror story

All the best for contest buddy
Quote:
Originally Posted by MumBaekar View Post
Hifaazat :-

Jaisa naam bilkul waisi story

good things :-

again, a strong language and a very nice choice of words, right from first line til end line, it was in proper flow, nowhere I felt that a grip or a plot is being lost

bad thing :-

emotions thode kam the, from the side of Asif

I feel, aap koi bhi story likho na, toh har para ke aagey character ke naam mat likho, it's very typical, aapka talent is at different level, for eg :-

"tumhari rihaai ke paise main chahti hoo ki tum jald se jald is sheher ko chodhkar balki main toh kehti hoo is desh ko chorke kahi dur chale jao" Ahana ne Asif se kaha, yeh kehte Waqt uske dil.mein ek tees si uthi, pyar jo karti thi

Rather than :-

Ahana :-tumhari rihaai ke paise main chahti hoo ki tum jald se jald is sheher ko chodhkar balki main toh kehti hoo is desh ko chorke kahi dur chale jao

U see the difference ? This has a lot of impact on readers, aap try karke dekhna aise

I wish you all the best for your both entries and keep writing

Love


so much mumbaekar ji aapne apna keemati waqt nikaale meri stories ko parha...i am very glad that u feel it positively i mean i was in shocked that what would be the reaction by the readers? because the last time when i participated in 2015 i just got so negative reviews that i even almost refused to participate again in any contest....well,aapne jo tips bataye hai main oonhein apni story mein definetely naa sirf contest walo mein but on the threads which i am writing still oosmein use karunga.... waise horror stories maine bahut likhi hai aur aap oonhein mere personal thread horror stories collection written by ur superaashif mein parh sakti hai baaki aur bhi genres pe maine kaam kiya hai ones again
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Last edited by superaashif : 8th October 2017 at 12:19 PM.

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  #46  
Old 8th October 2017
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Originally Posted by nain11ster View Post
Aap ke comment padhne ke baad aisa lag raha hai jaise chasni me main tair raha hun. Aasif bhai yadi mujhe diabties hua to aap ka 80% role rahega uss me.

Waise malik ek baat batao ye green ko Mukund ne kab nanga kar ke investigate kiya ... Bechari wo to ye kah rahi thi ki ab kuch nahi nichodne sakte uske zindgi ke kitab se, aur aap ne kahan kya imagine kar diya ....

You said absolutely ryt ... Geet ne kabhi bhi apna amusement ko apna profession se nahi joda, haan lekin uss ke karan bana kamo ko wo bhunane se pichhe nahi hati....

Well a lot ...... Aur haan pm mila tha aap ka ... Sukriya aap ke concern ka, sayad aap ne pm band kar rakha hai, isliye socha yahin kah dun.
pleasure buddy aap toh apne hi dost ho bhala aapki story pe kyu na gaur farmau aasha hai ki is baar aap top pe aayenge
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READ MY ALL COMPLETED STORIES

If u love to read all kind of genres like
romantic,thriller,love n non-erotic love,incest,fantasy,horror,hot stories then u are on the right platform see below this link :-

http://xossip.com/search.php?do=process&showposts=0&starteronly=1&exactname=1&searchuser=superaashif

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  #47  
Old 8th October 2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by janu2016 View Post
aasif bhai is contest ki suruwat behter rahi aur sabse khas baat, mere favorate writers mein se ek ne ki.
short stories ke to aap bahot he manjhe hue khilladi ho

horror zone bhi aapka fav. raha hai. ek badiya kosish ki h aapne is kahani mein. ab aate h kahani per,


+ points :-

sabse khas baat ki ek horror zone per wo bhi purane timeline per story likhi aapne.
kehte h ki reader ko agar wording samjh na aaye to kahani ka maza kharab ho jata h. but iska bhi pura dhayan rakha.
do timeline ek sathh chalane ka effort.

- Points :-

bhai bich-2 mein kahani ka flow tutta hua nazar aaya. sirf ek yehi kami lagi mujhe

Good luck bhai jaan! meri taraf se aapko hardik subhkamnaye contest ke liye!
Janu bro thank u so much for ur review buddy thodi bahut story likhne mein galti toh hi jati hai is baar master chief aur prakash bhai ka dil rakhne ke liye socha ki do stories ke sath participate karunga kyunki pichle saal maine entry nahi li thi....2015 mein maine participate kiya tha tohh mujhe deeply disappointed hona para due to negative reviews is baar thodi si koshish ki kuch hatke likha that's all umeed hai aapko meri ye story ke sath sath hifazat pasand aayi hogi
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READ MY ALL COMPLETED STORIES

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romantic,thriller,love n non-erotic love,incest,fantasy,horror,hot stories then u are on the right platform see below this link :-

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  #48  
Old 8th October 2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sajid111 View Post
.Review - The diary of an innocent girl By Nainster


Freedom......

Officially 1947 in India..

Lekin sayad mardo ke liya hoga .. Kyu ki aaj bhi kahi na kahi Ladies ke liye ye sirf ek word h ...kahi samaj me ladkiyo ko freedom nahi h to kahi logo ki nazar me ...
Kuch log.ke to dil bhi itne kale hote h ki unke dil me bhi ladkiyo ke liye bhi freedom nhi h...
Jab hum apne Marji se kuch bhi kar sakte h to ..ye haq hame kisne diya h ki hum kisi aur ke freedom per ungli uthaye....
Nain bhai aapki story 21st century ka ek mirror ki tarah h ...
Very heart touching bro....

I am not good in feeling experssion...

Bus yahi kahunga..

Freedom is not for Gender ....

Everyone deserves freedoms

"""Main aur meri azadi, uske bich koi nahi aa sakta. Main kisi ki azadi ko nahi rokti isliye yadi koi meri azadi ko chhin'ne ki kosis kare fir main usse nahi chhodti."""""""



...
Sajid bhai kisne kaha ki aap ko feeling express karne nahi aati ... Aap ke concern se pata lagta hai ki aap ne kitna Achha likha ki azadi ke baad se hum apni khud ke azadi ke liye joojh rahe hain.

Aap ke pyare comment ki bhadas to samjh me aati par hujoor 2 line iss nachij ke liye bhi likh dete to maza aa jata

Waise agli story ladkon ke azadi par hoti aisa nahi ke kewal bandhan ladkiyon par he dale jate hain... Hum bhi bhiktbhogi hain bandhishon ke ulta hum par to padh kar achhi naukri aur ghar ki jimmedariyon ka bhi hawala diya jata hai par ladkiyon ke sath aisa.nahi ... Aise kai example hai ... Dono gender iss orthodox ke karan lute-pite hain

Khair sukriya aap ne iss story ko itne dil se padha

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  #49  
Old 8th October 2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ritika24 View Post
The Diary Of a Innocent Girl by Nain11ster

kya likha hain
alag he topic tha bole to jhakaas
maja aaaya padh kar, sawand to superb the he sath he green ka character uffff kya ladki thi, aj k jamane ki apni marji se jine wali, waise sach kahu, har ladki ki ichha hoti hain apni marji se jeene ki par jee nahi pati, par green ka charcter negative hote hue b positive tha, usne tab crime kiya jab us se uski marji k against kuch karne ko kaha gaya, aur green aisa karne se bilkul b nhi hichki, kyuki suru me us k charcter aisa he dikhaya gaya tha, tu b apni marji se jee main b apni marji se,
sabse khas bat story boring nahi lagi, aisi he kuch alag topic par apki story ka intejar hain
best of luck
Riti ne itta bada review type kiya
Alag he review hai bole to jhakaas

Kya baat hai .... Impressive riti .... Thats the junine part jis par kisi ne gaur nahi kiya. What a fabulous judgement ki character negative hote huye bhi positive raha. Your insights of story always remarkable.

Par ye kya story ke bare me bola yahan tak ki ladki ko wakai padesan hai wo bhi bolo par alsii 8/10 line mere tarif me kaside padh deti to kya chala jata.

a lot Riti comment wakai lajawab tha

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  #50  
Old 8th October 2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MumBaekar View Post
Review :- The Diary Of An Innocent Girl



Yeh dekho,


Love kyun, pyar kyun nai likha language ka flow ek hi rakho na



Shocking , spell check kyun nai kara

chalo yeh negative thi points

Positive :-

A very nice read, superb one, this was something different, totally new and fresh one, innocent girl ? , the girl was a bold one, ladki ko jaisa bataya shuru mein , end bhi Waisi hi thi and that is a big plus point, no change in attitude and style and maintaining it through out, this is a superb thing and I loved it, I did not feel bored at all, right from the word go this was nice.

What a lovely nice story, lovely description lovely choice of words (Spelling mistakes maaf kari chalo) and a nice fresh thought , Bravo !!

All the best Nainu for contest
Aareeee wo dialogue likhna tha "love aur lust" wala isliye "pyar" ko urra diya ... Hope u understand .....

Oh maine to bhi na kiya ... Hopefully aap meri ye pahli story padh rahi thi aur kitna achha laga wo puchne ki jaroorat nahi wo to aap ke comment se pata chalta hai ...

Par madam ji hui confuse man na tha kuch bhi negative likhne ka isliye 4000 words me se ek shocking ki spell mistake nikal dali . Main samjh sakta hun aap ko feeling Koi na .... Waise bhi muskil hota hai kisi pyari story par negative nikalna

Rahi baat hindi and english and hinglish .... Wo jab main feel karta hun aur actually us scene ke chit chat me main jab pahunchta hu to jo dialogue delivery mujhe milta hai wo.Main likh deta hun ... Hope you enjoy my story language also....

Aur jo aap ne tarif kiya ... Main to ghayal he ho gaya bas review me ek kami rah gayi ... Likhne wale ke liye 4 line likha hota to ....

once again for your fabulous review

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