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  #561  
Old 13th August 2017
vision_123 vision_123 is offline
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Originally Posted by Sid6897 View Post
True said...
Suggestion sahi hai par iss tarah nahi...
Isse writer kaa confidence tut ta hai
Lekin hariya ki do nahi teen gf hain..
Subah , dopahar aur shaam ke liye
kya wakai kisi aur tarike se kahana chaiye tha aapki najar mein

waise yaha nice story ya waiting ya kahani ke hisse ko repeat karke uski wah wah karne waale toh bahut log hai

bas maine sidha siidha yeh bata diya ki is kahani mein kya creativity barkraar rakho

warna toh marji hai apni............ kyu?

Last edited by vision_123 : 13th August 2017 at 09:22 AM.

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  #562  
Old 13th August 2017
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And request to readers, keep your suggestions positive and limited to story , criticism has to be constructive rather than bashing a writer.
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  #563  
Old 13th August 2017
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And request to readers, keep your suggestions positive and limited to story , criticism has to be constructive rather than bashing a writer.

Are wah tum log itne sudhar kese gaye


Itne achhe achhe suggestion tum log reader ko de rahe ho.


Rahi bat hariya ki to bhai

Yaha pe kafi sare ese wirter hai jisko me sirf criticism karne hi aata hun

Taki unblogo ka confiddence bana rahe

Last edited by vivjo : 13th August 2017 at 11:16 AM.

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Old 14th August 2017
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  #565  
Old 14th August 2017
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yahi problem hai tumare saath


story ke horrorness ko acche se create karne ke bawajood story kai tukdo mein baant di tumne.

dekho dost story ka jo flow hota hai aur usme jo ek hi flow mein interest aane lagta hai usko tum baar baar khatam karke ek naya matter daal dete ho.

jaise inspector jab tahqiqat kar raha tha toh acchanak se case padwaane lage aur jab insaan poorani tahiqiqat ko bhoolkar case mein interest leta hai toh acchanak wapis inspector ke paas pahuche toh lekin waha par woh rahasaymayi shaks ke saath kinhi aur case par hi baat hone lagti hai jo shayad pichale cases se alag hai aur case par kuch lines baad hi acchanak tum uthkar poorani series ke characters mein ghus gaye.

bhai maana yeh kahani poorani series se judi hai lekin kam se kam ek flow ko pahle thik se create karke rakho phir dheere dheere poorani kadiyo ko jodte hue usse poora karo
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waise is story mein ho sake toh poorani kahani ko thoda kam hi ghasitana bajaye uske tum jo horror isme daala hai ussi ko barkaraar rakhte hue aage bado toh jada interest aayega

aur haa horror ek aisa subject hai jisse uske flow ke saath hi jinda rakha ja sakta hai na ki usme bahut lambi love story daalkar jaisa tumne pichle 2 parts mein kiya hai.

romance story mein thoda bahut horror daalkar uss kahani ko jaaykedaar toh banaya ja sakta hai lekin horror based story mein bahut saarein emotional scene daalkar aur ek na khatam hone wali love story ghused kar uske swad ko yani horror story ko bigada nahi ja sakta

isliye mere hisab se agar tum isse horror based jada rakho aur horror scences ka flow banaye rakho ant tak toh jada maja aayega

Bhai baat to apki sahi hai ki story bahut slow hai.. par kya karun personal life se fursat hi nahi milti...
Rahi baat apke flow ko lekar to bhai.. isme do batein hai pehli ye ki agar kahani regular rahe to har cut flow lagta hai varna har cut ek tukda.. second baat.. thriller ka flow kabhi ek series mein nahi chalta... ab ye reader par depend karta hai ki vo kis mindset se padh raha hai..

Apki opinion ya kisi ki opinion par mein kahani nahi likhta.. ise mera sabhav kaho ya attitude.. Horror based hai iska mtlab ye nahi ki sirf horror rahega vaise bhi jaise jaise series aage badti hai usme badlav ate hain pattern same nahi rehta. Thanks for the review
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  #566  
Old 14th August 2017
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Previous Update 31 " DAR "
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" shreyass pleasee... " vo ruasi hote hue cheekhi, mene bhi use pakade rehne ki bahut kosish ki par akhir mein meri pakad use chhut gayi. " shreyasss........ " uski vo dard bhari awaz... andhere mein khoti chali gayi aur mein bich corridor mein ruk kar reh gaya. Usko ankhon se ojhal hota dekh meri ankhon se ansu nikal aya. Himmat jaise usi andhere mein kahin kho gayi ho. Mein cha kar bhi uthna nahi cha rha tha, aisa lag raha tha jaise koi mujhe meri anshika lakar de de, mein usko kho nahi sakta tha... pairon mein jaan khatam ho chuki thi, muh se awaz ani band ho gayi thi, aisa laga jaise lachari aur bebasi ne mujhe jakar lia ho, par sach to ye tha ki mein dar chuka tha, anshika ko khone ka dar mere man mein bas chuka tha. Par jahan dar hota hai vahin apno ka dia hua vishwas hota hai. Dar ki lalch mein itna kho gaya tha ki us lalch ke piche chupi maa ki vo baat yaad ayi, ' jab bhi dar lage yaad use karna jise tum behad pyar karte ho phir dekhna vahi dar tumhari takat ban jayega.. vahin dar tumhe ladne ki vajah dega '

Jo pair abhi tak sun the unme jaan aa gayi aur mein dhire - dhire apne pairon par khada ho gaya. Ye bangla mujhse pehle hi sab kuch chin chuka tha lekin vo nahi chiin sakta jise mein kabhi kho nahi sakta. Mein fauran khada hua par shayad mere andar ke khatam hote dar ko vo dekh nahi saka aur tabhi...

Mere khade hote hi achanak se jaise mujhe kisi ne hawa mein uthaya ho aur phir uthate hi mujhe khidki par de mara, mera sharir khidki ka kanch todte hue bahar aya lekin bahar gira nahi, vo hawa mein hi raha, aur agle hi pal vo phir ek khidki se jaa takraya, is bar khidki ka kanch todte hue mein andar aya aur phir jaise ye silsila sa ban gaya, mera sharir andar se bahar aur bahar se andar khidkiyun ko todte hue andar bahar karne lage, uska gussa, uski nafrat, uski shakti is waqt mujh par baras rahi thi. Mein nahi janta mera sharir kitne khidkiyn se takraya, par kano mein sirf kanch ka shor gunj raha tha, akhir mein jab mein akhri khidki ko todte hue bahar aya to bahut dur jakar mera sharir niche gira. Ankhein band ho chuki thi, shayad mein behosh ho chuka tha ya phir sapna tut gaya tha, keh nahi sakta.



Now - Update 32 " AWAZ "


Mujhe laga mein is buri yaad se bahar aa chuka hun, ankhon mein abhi bhi dhundnla pan tha lekin andhera vaisa hi tha, jaise ki ek kamre mein hota hai isliye laga shayad meri nind khul gayi hai par jab ankhon se dhundla pan hata tab mein abhi tak vahi tha, usi jagah. Mein ek dum se uth kar baith gaya aur lambi lambi sansein khinchne laga, naak aur sar ke piche se khun fisal kar niche aa raha tha. Mujhe ab lagne laga tha ye koi sapna nahi hai na hi mere purani buri yadon se bana koi mayajaal, ye ek sachai hai jiski shuruwat kaise hui mujhe vo khojna hai lekin use pehle ....

" Agar ye sab sach hai to anshika ? " mein fauran bangle ki taraf bhaga, mein darwaja thodte hue andar jane ki soch chuka tha, lekin vo darwaja apne aap hi khul gaya. Jaa to mein khidkiyun se bhi sakta tha kyun ki vo tut chuki thi par is bangle ki maya ko ab samjhana bekar ho chuka tha, na to vahan koi tuta hua kanch tha na hi tuti khidkiyan. Mein andar aya to phir us shant lehaze ne mere josh ko dhire dhire kam kar dia. Na jane kyun mujhe apne aap itni kamjori mehsus hone lagi jaise mere andar ki sari himat khatam ho gayi ho. Pyar ko bachane ki icha to bahut hai par us icha ko puri karne ki na to takat bachi hai na hi koi umid andar se awaz de rahi hai. Mein bas chahta tha ki anshika ko is jagah se dur le jaun bas kuch kar nahi paa raha tha.. na jane kyun ?

" Shreyas.. " mein apni duvidha se juj raha tha ki anshika ne mujhe awaz lagai. Awaz ki disha mein dekhte hue mene paya ki vo sidiyun ke uppar khadi meri taraf hi dekh rahi hai, ghabrahat uske chehre par thi, vo behad takleef mein thi, uske ane par bangle mein ek ujala ho raha tha, jaise roshni ko vo khud sath lekar ayi ho.

" anshika... " mene uska naam pukara, par ye shayad mera veham tha, ya phir yahi nahi balki har vo baat jo mene boli thi vo sirf mera veham tha ki kisi ne suni hogi, darasal apne galle se nikli awaz mein khud hi nahi sun paa raha tha.

" please help... " vo usi dare hue lehaze mein boli. " vo aa rahe hain... please help " usne andhere corridor ki taraf apni nazrein ghuma kar dekha. " please... bachao mujhe... vo mujhe le jayega.... " sehmi hui uski awaz ne dil ke andar ek alag himmat ko janam de dia.

" shreyass .... " vo chillai, mein uski taraf dauda par jaise hi dauda aage ki sidiyan tut ke bikhrne lagi aur vahan se gayab hone lagi jaise dharti us sidiyun ko khinch rahi ho. Mein kisi tarah kudte hue ek se do, do se teen.. pehdiyan chad raha tha, anshika bilkul mere najdeek thi, mein use pakadne vala tha... bas do hi sidiyun ka fasla bacha tha...

" aaaaaaaaaaahhhh.... " anshika bahut zor.. bahut hi zor awaz mein chillai, mene un bikhrti hui sidiyun ko paar kar hi liya tha, akhri paidi par paanv rakh kar mein anshika ko aram se pakad sakta tha par jaise hi mera panv akhri paidi par pada vo puri tarah se tut gayi aur mera badaya hua hath anshika se kuch duri se hokar hi vapis aa gaya. aur mein jaise sidiyun ko todte hue ek andheri rehsamaiye jagah mein khota chala jaa raha tha, anshika ki aa rahi roshni dhire dhire khatam hoti jaa rahi thi aur dekhte hi dekhte.....

" anshikaaaaaaa...... " mein zor-zor se hanf raha tha, bahut zor zor se... mene apni nazrein idhar udhar ghumai, roshni mein meri ankhe cham-chama rahi thi, ek khinchi hui awaz mere kano mein ghus rahi thi par mastshik mein uski koi satik jankari nahi mil paa rahi thi. Mein abhi bhi sambhla nahi tha, par vo badti hui awaz dhire-dhire mere mastshik mein baithne lagi aur jaise hi mein apne sahi hosh mein aya to vo awaz bilkul jani pehchani ban gayi.

" shreyas... shreyas.. " na jane kab se anshika mere galon ko sehlate hue, chehre se pasina hatate hue mujhe samjha rahi thi, jane kab se kyun ki jaise hi mene use dekha, mene use apni bahon mein kas lia.

" anshika... " mein bar-bar uska naam le raha tha aur use aise kas kar galle se laga rakha tha jaise ya to mein use kho chuka hun, ya kho kar paa raha hun.

" shreyas... " usne achanak se mujhe apne se alag kiya, mujhe ye bilkul pasand nahi aya, par uske muh se nikale agle lafzon ne sab badal dia.

" phir se bolo... " vo ankhein khole mujhse kuch umid kar rahi thi, mein uski baat kuch dhang se samajh nahi paya. " mera naam " vo turant meri bhavnaon ko samjhte hue boli.

" anshika... " pehle to mein samajh nahi paya tha par jaise hi mene uska naam liya mein khud hairan reh gaya, par mujhse jada hairan to vo thi ya phir kahun khush, is waqt uski ankhon mein ansu the aur adhe chehre ko usne apne hathon mein chupa rakha tha, vo ansu khushi ke the isliye rote hue vo bich-bich mein muskura rahi thi, uski chehre ki yahi khubsurti dekhne ke liye to mein jia karta hun aur aaj dekh kar man ko vishwas nahi ho raha tha ki ye sach hai... isliye mene uska naam phir pukara..

" anshika.... " is baar jo ansu ankhon mein the vo niche utar aye aur vo is sehaz pal ko samet lena chahti thi isliye usne mujhe apne galle se laga liya.

" shreyas.. tumhari awaz... " vo mere balon ko sehla rahi thi, uski muh se nikalti awaz, uske jazbat mehsus ho rahe the. Vo bahut khush thi mujhse bhi jada, hum dono hi the aur hote bhi kyun na akhir aaj pyar ke awaz ki vapsi hui thi..

Mein apni awaz aur anshika mein itna kho gaya ki sab kuch jaise bhul gaya par eka-ek chehre ki muskurahat kam ho gayi, mene anshika ko fauran apne se alag kar dia.

" hume vapis jana hoga..... "


Haunted Continues !!
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  #567  
Old 14th August 2017
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awesome update
sreyas ki awaaz vapas aagayi
anshika bahut hi jyada khus hai
esi ladki real life me kyu nahi milti..jo bina kahe samaj jaaye

anyways, sreyas ko pata chal gaya hai ki shaitan returns
ab dekhte hai iss baar kaun kaun saath me jaate hai aur kaun kaun marte hai

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Old 15th August 2017
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Dude update gazab thaa...
Awaz aa gayi aur ye dono ko kahan jana hai vapis
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Old 15th August 2017
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Kadak update... Gunga bol utha... "Hume wapas jana hoga, pelne kya pilwane "
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Old 15th August 2017
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And Happy Krishna Jnmashtami...
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