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Why I Fired My Secretary
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon.
Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday... ...and there on the couch I sat... naked !!!
There was a dentist, an electrician, a salesperson, and a carpenter that met everyday for breakfast at a low income diner. They were all married except the salesman. When he was married, he went on his honeymoon with his wife. The other three still met for breakfast when he was gone. An idea came up to play some practical jokes on the new married person.
"I'll make his bed slant so his bed will collapse when he is making love," said the carpenter.
"I'll hot wire his mattress so that he'll feel immence heat while making love.'
"Those are good ideas," said the dentist. "But I am not going to tell you what I'm going to do.'
The next day the salesman comes into the diner. He says "I congratulate you guys for making my bed collapse, and I thank you for making my bed really hot, but I'm going to kill the bastard who put feviquick in the vaseline."
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
A GUJJU SPESAL !
Q) Why did George Bush had the gujju beaten?
A) The gujju told George Bush "You are an IMPOTENT man"
Q) Why won't the gujju jeweler sell anything to the UP ka bhayiya?
A) The bhayiya kept giving gujju a bunch of hair each time the gujju
asked for KESH.
Q) What will a Gujju tell a tomato, coming last in a tomato race?
(in case of one)
A) Tomato KETCHUP.
Q) Why did the gujju go to Rome ?
A) He wanted to listen to POPE music.
Q) Why did the gujju go to London?
A) To see BIG BEHN.
Q) What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Ramesh no dikro STATES ma
A) Ramesh's son failed in statistics...
Q) Why was the gujju stacking up 1 cent coins on the day before exams ?
A) He wanted to get "cent-par-cent" .
Q) What did the Gujju have in the morning?
A) LIGHT SNAKES for breakfast.
Q) What did the Gujju say to the singing prostitute?
A) You are going from BED To VERSE.
Q) Did you know that Gujarati students are going to start a fraternity?
A) They named it Rho Beta Rho.
Q) Why did the gujjus take 50 paise when they went to watch "GANDHI"?
A) They read Atten( 8 annas)-bourough in the credits.
Q) Why did the gujju think Gandhi was acted by a woman in "GANDHI"?
A) They read Ben( behn) Kingsley did the acting.
A Bihari went to New Delhi for the first time in his life. He went there
during the time of Asiad and was zapped to see all these new stadiums, newly
constructed roads, flyovers etc etc. The poor fellow hadn't seen all this ever
before. So when he came back to Aligarh people asked him as to how did he like
Delhi, he was too excited and said : yaar delhi to buhat top ka laga, pura
delhi chamak chamak raha tha, sab kuch jagmaga raha tha, sab shine maar raha
tha lekin yaar ek cheez hum understand nahin kar paye, yeh itta barka barka
speed breaker kahe ko bana diya hai (he couldn't figure out what is a flyover).
A Bihari went to a cigarette shop and asked for one Wills: Bhai ek Will
dena, so the guy selling the cigarettes told him that there is no brand by
the name of Will, it is Wills, but the Bihari insisted and said I want one
Will, so the person told him unless you say it correctly i.e Wills I won't
sell it to you, so the Bihari went mad and said "Hum ek hi to maang rahen
hain pura packet to nahin maang rahen hain".
Sardar Wins Lottery
A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery.
He goes to Delhi to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
The Sardar says, "I want my 20 lakhs.
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you one lakh
today and then you'll get the rest spread
out for the next 19 weeks."
The Sardar said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want
Again, the man explained that he would only get a lakh that day and the rest
during the next 19 weeks.
The Sardar, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If
you're not going to give me my 20 lakhs right
now, then I want my five rupees back!"
Santa Singh went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a
lengthy examination, sighed and looked Santa Singh in the eye and said,
"I've some bad news for you... you have cancer
and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to
Santa Singh, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character,
managed to compose himself and walk from the
doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been
Santa Singh said, "Puttar, we Surds celebrate when things are good and
celebrate when things don't go so well. In this
case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short
time to live.
Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints,
the two were feeling a little less somber. There
were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some
of Santa Singh's old friends who asked what the
two were celebrating. Santa Singh told them that the Surds celebrate the
good and the bad. He went on to tell them that
they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only
got few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed
The friends gave Santa Singh their condolences and they had a couple more
After his friends left, Santa Singh's son leaned over and whispered his
confusion, "Dad, I thought you said that you were
dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from
Santa Singh said, " I am dying from cancer, puttar. I just don't want any
of them around your mother after I'm gone."
Two Sardars and their Horses
Then there were two sardars, Zail singh & Jarnail singh.
Both of them bought a horse each.
"How will we know which
is your & which is mine?" asked Zail.
"I'll cut mine's tail,yours will be the one with tail"
This was heard by a few boys ,they cut the other's tail too.
Next morning the confusion continued.
"Don't worry "retorted Jarnail.
"I'll tie a bell around its neck, yours will be the one without
The boys heard this also & cut the bell.
The next day, Zail got frustrated & said
"Okay now the last criterion,
white will be yours & black will be mine."
SARDAR CHASES A BEST BUS FROM THE BUS STOP FOR 5 MINUTES AND FINALLY
ASKS DRIVER ? "KYA YEH BUS TERI MAA HAI KYA?"
DRIVER : AMAZED !!! NAHI
SARDAR: "KYA YEH BUS TERI BEHAN HAI KYA?"
DRIVER : NAHI !!!!
SARDAR: TO PHIR BOSADIKE MUJE CHADNE KYO NAHI DIYA
DO SARDAR RASTE SE JA RAHA THA. EK GADI PASS HUHA AUR CHIKAD UDAKE
1ST SARDAR: ABE SALE TERI MAA KA BOSADA !!!!
2ND SARDAR: ARE YAAR BOSADA SE YAAD AAYA "BHABI KAYSI HAI?"
A 7 YR OLD BOY IS TRIED IN COURT FOR RAPE.
WAKIL HOLDING BOY'S PENIS "MI-LORD YEH BACCHA KYA RAPE KAR SAKTA HAI?"
BOY: ABE JYADA MAT HILA NAHI TO CASE BIGAD JAYAEGA !!!!
WHY DID TENDULKAR MARRY AN AGED WOMAN?
GOOD BATSMAN LIKE LOOSE BALLS !!!!!
DRAUPATHI WENT TO A MEDICAL STORE AND SAID MUJE 105 CONDOM DIYIJE.
DUKANDAR: ITNA SARA KYA KAROGI?
DRAUPATHI: KAURAV AUR PANDAV ME COMPROMISE JO HO GAYA HAI !!!
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